But sometimes, a girl just needs a fresh start, a literal blank page.
Last week, I needed a break from life, and I went home -- to Omaha, to my parents. On my drive home, I often get emotional, and I'm not entirely sure why. This trip was no different, and I became teary-eyed many times on my trek.
Life has been hard lately.
This is another "I'm not really quite sure why" situation.
After all, I am in the most wonderful relationship with a man who believes in me, cheers for me, supports me, listens to me cry, deals with my crazy, encourages me, and I could go on and on. As my mom has said, I've sure "kissed a lot of frogs," but I have finally found The One. And we are doing so, so well.
And my family is the absolute best in the universe. My parents are my biggest cheerleaders, and my brother and sister (and their significant others) are some of my greatest friends. And my nephews could not be more amazing. (Plus, let's not forget that I have the best kitties in the universe.)
I am also doing some really cool things professionally: I am traveling to Colombia this summer as part of my Teachers for Global Classrooms fellowship, my partner and I are taking students to Peru next summer, and I was selected as one of two teachers from across the district to serve on the committee that is creating new equity training.
Finally, I found a fitness routine that I can do, that makes me feel good, and in which I excel. And with it, I also found an incredible community of women, people of all ages and walks of life whom I look forward to seeing at every class.
Yet, I just haven't been feeling emotionally wonderful lately. Despite constantly reminding myself of the aforementioned amazingness that is my life, I have been really, really down. Mental health is real, y'all.
There are a number of factors at play in my less-than-stellar psyche.
First, for reasons I will refrain from mentioning in a public blog, work has been challenging lately. Quite honestly, this has been the most difficult year-and-a-half of my professional life. I have always had a very difficult time compartmentalizing work and personal, so the frustrations and stresses that I have at school are carrying over into every facet of my life.
Additionally, I had the most amazing friend group in Iowa, and leaving them was really, really hard. I knew that things would change when I left, but I was unprepared for how much, and that has been a tough pill to swallow.
Finally, my self-esteem has been in the toilet the last year or so. Due to my ankle injury -- and subsequent six months on-and-off in a boot, physical therapy, steroid injections, and surgery -- I have been unable to exercise like I want. My favorite activities -- running and power-lifting -- have been a no-go for the last 18 months, and the lack of fitness has taken a toll on my body. I went from being in the best physical shape of my life to being in the worst. While I truly do not care about the number on the scale, I do care about feeling good in my skin, about feeling good in (and being able to fit into) my clothes. Despite all of the affirmations I receive from those closest to me, my inner thoughts get the best of me, and I just do not feel good right now.
I'm attempting to track macros, thinking that this is the best option for me. I've done a few rounds of Whole 30, and while that was awesome the first go-around (aside from that whole allergy thing), it just isn't a realistic lifestyle for me: I want to be able to eat oatmeal and drink a glass of wine.
I started with Avatar Nutrition two months ago. And while I kicked butt the two weeks prior to spring break, I have not been able to get back on track with 100% compliance. As I was talking it out during my
I also need that space (this space) -- to just write -- in order to keep my sanity.
I love writing. I loved blogging. And I'm excited to get back to it.
[Side note: As far as mental health goes, I was on drugs in college: Lexapro and Wellbutrin. While I'm pretty sure I could benefit from pharmaceuticals right now, I also hated how I felt on them, so that is not something I'm considering again at this point. I have also seen three therapists in my life: the first I did not care for, the second I loved (and had to leave when I moved from Des Moines), and the third was okay (and really, really essential due to some significant life events). I like therapy, but I want to try a few more things on my own before I go back. And let's be real: I don't like the bill that comes along with therapy; our country needs to revisit how we feel about -- and fund -- mental health.]
I can't promise how often I will blog -- while I thrive on organization and list-making, committing to a blogging schedule will undoubtedly give me unnecessary anxiety, so I am just going to go with the flow and blog when I feel it's necessary.
And, it's highly unlikely that anyone will be reading this initial post for quite a while: in fact, when I told my mom that I was considering blogging again, I also told her that I needed to be in a much better place mentally before I let anyone else in on the hot mess that is my brain. :)
Thanks for following my journey, friends.
Peace,
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