Stop Doubting Yourself

The title of this post is my new mantra: stop doubting yourself, Emmy.

After over a week of not tracking a single thing, eating an entire box of ginger bread cookies, going out for drinks two nights in a row (who am I?), grabbing a bite of candy and/or brittle here and there, etc., I still managed to lose weight.

Yes, that's right: I made it through the holidays and lost a pound.

For those of you keeping track (i.e. my mom, the only person who reads this), here's the grand total for 2018 (well, the last five weeks of it, that is):

Eleven point two pounds overall? That's not too shabby -- not too shabby at all.

After a week of (feeling like I've been) binge-eating, I am back to tracking religiously via my Weight Watchers app this morning. As soon as these thyroid meds kick in (I have to wait an hour after I take them to eat), I'm going to indulge in some Mushroom & Swiss Potato Breakfast Casserole. It's been cooking all night and smells delicious -- and, it's only two points!

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time prepping for nutritional success in the coming year. And that preparation has some special (crazy?) kind of "Emmy Organization" to it.

I have found myself cooking a lot of Skinnytaste recipes over the last five weeks: first, her food is super tasty, and second, she already has the points values figured out, so it is much less work for me. But, every week when I go to make my meal plan, I spend quite a while perusing her website -- when I own all three of her cookbooks, have already made (and love) several of her dishes, etc.

So, I went through each of her cookbooks and noted recipes that I would like to make, sorted them (by type of dish), wrote down the title of the cookbook and the page number, and found how many points each was worth. I then went through and highlighted ones I'd already made.

The "Chicken" section is much more highlighted. We eat a lot of poultry.

This will be a super helpful ongoing document: I know that I will continue to look on her website --as well as the Weight Watchers website, Pinterest, Cooking Light, etc. -- for new things to make, so I can update this as I do so. It'll make life so much easier.

And speaking of meal planning, this is how I figure out what the heck I'm making:

First, I identify what my schedule for the week is (second row from the bottom) -- like, if there's anything "out of the ordinary." Then, I figure out when I am able to work out; typically, I do Pilates on Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday, and I workout with Tyler on Thursday. This week, though, is a little goofy because a.) the studio is closed for New Year's on Tuesday, and b.) I have an afternoon meeting instead of a morning meeting on Wednesday, which means I'm able to workout in the morning.

Side note: when I first started working out before school, I always scheduled my Pilates classes far in advance, knowing that if I "just pressed snooze one more time" and missed the class, it would be a $20 no-show fee. What can I say? I'm externally motivated. Now, though, it's just the norm for me to wake up at 5:15, so I don't usually schedule in advance; also, with it being winter and the weather being so dicey, I don't want to risk not making it due to ice/snow/sleet/etc.

So after I figure out my schedule and my workouts, I plan my meals accordingly. If I have an evening obligation, I know that I should plan an easy dinner for that night (i.e. something in the crockpot). I also know that when I make something that has several servings, I'll be able to eat a lot of leftovers -- hence the duplicates, especially for lunch.

I also obviously left a few "time slots" empty. I don't want to over-plan for a couple of reasons. First, I may have way more leftovers than anticipated, and I don't want food to go to waste. Second, I want life to be able to happen. Like, if I come home from school, and Jesus wants to cook dinner, awesome; I'll let him do so and save my planned meal for the next day. Or, maybe we decide we want to go out to dinner -- great!

Just because all of Sunday is empty for now does not mean it'll be a free-for-all. If I do end up going through all of the planned food prior to then, I'll just quickly plan another menu for us to stick to on Sunday. It'll all be okay.

When I have the week figured out, I look through all of the recipes, make a list of all the ingredients (separated into four columns: produce, refrigerator -- meat, cheese, dairy, freezer, and aisles), "pantry shop" to cross out what I already have, and then do one big run to the grocery store. I sometimes have to stop at a store on my way home from work if I can't find something on my big grocery run, but that's a rare occurrence.

And that's that, friends! Here's to continued success in 2019!

Fitness Successes

I've documented quite a few times about my ankle injury completely sidetracking my fitness journey, derailing my exercise regime, and putting me in a pretty darn crappy spot in general.

Surgery was not a sure fix for the ankle injury, but it was pretty much a last resort option. And while it feels better, it is definitely far from perfect and acts up occasionally. Unfortunately, I am still largely unable to do pre-injury activities, namely running.

So while I have talked a lot about that, what I haven't talked about extensively ye is the success I have found since that bump in the road.

Pilates

Club Pilates

I absolutely love Pilates -- for a number of reasons. First, it is a no-impact practice that I can do without aggravating my ankle.  In fact, it is therapeutic for my injury. When I had my final post-surgery appointment a year ago, my surgeon suggested additional physical therapy. I told him that I did Pilates several times a week and described the footwork routines, and he essentially said that was better, more beneficial than physical therapy.

Another reason that I love Pilates is because, similar to yoga, it is such a mind-body connection for me. It is truly my therapy, a way to both center and ground myself. Each position, each exercise requires so much focus on so many different things: breathing, muscle movements, tiny tweaks in positioning, stabilizing, etc. It's nearly impossible to let my mind wander on anything other than what I am physically doing at the moment.

Third, I have found such a community in my Pilates studio -- Club Pilates Woodbury.

This is not my studio, but it looks almost identical.

I started at the studio in Maple Grove because that was the closest to where I used to live and the closest to where I work. But then I moved to St. Paul, and shortly thereafter, the studio in Woodbury opened; I immediately jumped at the opportunity to switch clubs, and I am so, so grateful that I did. First, the instructors are incredible. I workout mainly with Georgene, who is incredible: she is supportive, encouraging, and super challenging, always pushing me to try new things (and assuring me I can succeed in those new things).

For instance:

I was the only person in class the other day, and Georgene was super excited about me trying a new exercise: a (modified) walkover on the Cadillac reformer.

Here's a video:

I was so, so proud of myself. While I feel like I did something very similar on the monkey bars nearly every day of my elementary school career, I haven't tried anything remotely close to this in recent memory. Also, while I am pretty darn adventurous (and fearless) with exercises that involve my legs, I am less confident in my arms' ability to hold me up; so, this was quite the feat.

And while I'm at it in showing off, here's a video of me doing one of my favorite exercises, teaser:

This is a move that is supposedly incredibly challenging, but I have always excelled at it; truthfully, I don't find it difficult at all, which makes me wonder if I'm doing it incorrectly. :) This is also an exercise that I am continuously trying to perfect. Like everyone else, I started off doing modified versions, including bringing my legs to a table top position (bent at the hips, shins parallel to the mat). Now, however, I have graduated to straightening my legs as much as possible; I clearly have work to do, though, in making them even straighter, which is my next goal.

In addition to the incredible instructors at my Pilates studio, I love the other members. I have made amazing friends, people whom I miss when I don't see them for a while. Those relationships make working out even more fun.

This is precisely why, even though a studio opened in a much more convenient location (in the middle of my commute rather than 20 minutes in the opposite direction), I cannot bring myself to switch clubs.

Personal Training

A few years ago -- in the midst of my "fitness prime" -- I went to a personal training session with Laurie. She had been working out with Tyler for quite a while and could not speak highly enough about him, so I took advantage of a free introductory session and loved it -- despite nearly vomiting on the drive home.

Fast forward a couple of years: I was going to Pilates several days a week, but I knew I needed to add something to my fitness regime if I wanted to see similar results to what I had seen pre-surgery. I found a "CrossFit Lite" place via Facebook and signed up for that -- and attended three times, until I was sexually harassed by the head coach.

Laurie -- again-- convinced me to go to Tyler.

And this time, it stuck. I have been hanging out with him for an hour each week for a few months, and it has been awesome.

Titanium Performance

The full-body workout lasts approximately 40 minutes, and it's so challenging that there have been times where it has been nearly impossible to hold my cell phone to my ear afterward: my muscles are utter jello.

Essentially, Tyler (and the other trainer, Morgan) focus on High Intensity Training, lifting to Momentary Muscle Failure. And they are super knowledgeable in everything health- and fitness-related, which puts me at ease. They work especially well with injuries, which is something I clearly need as well.

I also love how encouraging Tyler and Morgan are -- and how much they validate me. (I thrive on external motivation, and #validateme is a real thing.) They tell me how strong I am all the time, and sometimes they have way more faith in me than I do in myself. For instance, last week I leg-pressed six hundred and forty pounds: yes, 640 pounds -- with my legs -- several, several times.

This video shows a great preview of their space, and the 0:32 mark shows exactly what I'm talking about with the leg press. (Here's a video, too, of Morgan demonstrating.) It is much more challenging than what I was doing at LA Fitness -- and approximately 300 pounds more than what I was doing there as well.

Slowly but surely, I'm on my way back to being my strongest, fittest self:

Emmy, circa 2016

Or, perhaps even stronger, even fitter.

Either way, I'm super stoked and really, really proud of myself.

Living

A few days ago, I was reading something -- likely via Instagram, Facebook, or a blog -- and it really stuck with me. Essentially, the author was talking about the tremendous success she had had over the past year regarding healthy eating and that she wasn't going to let the three pounds that she'd gained over the holidays negatively affect her; after all, she wasn't dieting, she was living. 

This is so, so true and, as I mentioned, has really stuck with me over the past few days.

As I wrote in my previous post, I was unsure how the past week would go regarding Weight Watchers, as I had an eventful day full of festive food on Wednesday, December 19th, and then Jesus and I headed out of town for the weekend. 

When we got back to town, I weighed myself, and lo and behold, I was pleasantly surprised:

If you're following along, this makes for a total of 10.2 pounds in four weeks (and one day).

Now, I have to say that I am confident that Monday's weigh-in is not going to show a decrease. After all, I have been living.

When we got back to Minnesota, we celebrated Christmas with Jesus's family on Tuesday, and then on Friday we had brunch at a friend's house as well as drinks with friends (at a brewery -- so no low-calorie options) in the evening. And, I will say that I also ate my weight in gingerbread cookies, way too much macaroni and cheese, and likely several other things that I have since forgotten -- and I didn't track any of it.

I took a break from Weight Watchers for about a week.

Honestly, though, I think that's a good thing for me. When I have focused so heavily on nutrition in the past, I have become really, really obsessed with it, and truthfully, it has been quite disordered. So for me, taking a brief respite from Weight Watchers and not feeling guilty about it is such a huge step in the right direction.

(I will not, however, be taking frequent breaks; after all, I have goals to reach. But, I think it's super important to remember that living -- and enjoying all of the good food and festive celebrations that come with it -- is a necessity, too.)

I mean, just look at these faces:

With my love -- at our tasting event.

My newest nephew, Andrew Benjamin.

My first nephew, Brody James. 

My middle nephew, Sawyer Drake.

This is why living is important.

Merry everything, friends!

A Surprise

Last night I expressed my worry about stepping on the scale this morning. However, I'm happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised!

That means -- that since November 26th, which was just three weeks ago, I have lost a total of 9.8 pounds. Nearly ten pounds in three weeks? I'll take it!

I know the first week was a bit drastic; after all, I dropped nearly seven pounds. (Thank you, Thanksgiving.) But, the last two weeks (1.4 and 1.6 pounds respectively) have been slow and steady, which I know is what will make the biggest difference in the long run.

I currently have five months, one week, and two days -- or approximately 23 weeks -- until the Big Day. If I continue losing 1.5 pounds a week, I will drop 34.5 more pounds, which means I will weigh less than I did when I felt the most smokin' hot of my entire life -- three years ago, just before I ran a 19-minute PR in a half marathon; shortly prior to running a 200-mile relay race; months before multiple MRIs, steroid injections, and half a year in and out of a boot; and a year before ankle surgery and the subsequent recovery.

Spring Break Fashion Show, 2016

Wearing 7 For All Mankind jeans that I had bought years previously -- as motivation.

Three things:

1. I know that I should not be focused on losing weight for one day. Of course. But, it's also hard not to think of such a big day as a teeny tiny bit of motivation.

2. I know that I will not lose 1.5 pounds a week. I know there will be weeks that I lose less than that, weeks where I do not lose at all, and (hopefully very few) weeks where I gain. But, I'm hopeful that I'm moving in the right direction.

3. I know that while the scale may say even less than what I weighed in Spring 2016, there's a chance that my body will not look the same: I was running a lot of miles each week (training for a half marathon) and lifting heavy weights at least five days a week. (Gosh, it's so weird that my ankle pooped out during that time...) While I am working out at least five days a week now, only one of those days is heavy lifting, and the other four to five are focused on Pilates. I'd like to add in some additional core workouts (like I was doing in 2016) and hopefully some walks when it's not super freezing outside.

And speaking of the aforementioned Thing Two: I have a sneaking suspicion that this week will be one of those weeks. First, I'm not even sure how I'll track lunch and dinner this Wednesday: we have a potluck at school, and then Jesus and I have a tasting for our wedding that evening. Second, Jesus and I are heading out of town on Saturday -- to see our brand-new baby nephew (!) and then to my parents' house for holiday celebrations -- and we won't be back until Monday afternoon. (How will I weigh in? I don't know. Tuesday morning, I suppose.) And then there's Christmas Day.

While I am going to track as best as I can, I'm not sure how accurate much of it will be, especially on Wednesday and when I'm out of town. But, as long as I continue to be mindful and not go too crazy, I should be okay.

Fingers crossed!

Timing & Habits

I'm not going to write much regarding Weight Watchers tonight, as Monday is my weigh-in day, and because it's currently Sunday, I don't really have much to report right now.

But, similarly to last week, I'm a little nervous as to what the scale is going to report.

(Caveat: I know I should not solely be focused on the scale, and I know I have plenty of non-scale victories to report. Namely, I am just feeling better. I feel a bit trimmer and that my clothes are fitting just a smidge more. And, perhaps the biggest benefit thus far is that I'm simply being more mindful of what I'm putting in my body. That being said, though, I want the number on the scale to go down, too.)

So anyway, I'm not confident that I lost much weight -- if any -- this week, and at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, I feel like the majority of that has to do with the timing of this nutritional switch-up not being super ideal. After all, holiday season is no joke with temptation.

We have had treats in the staff room nearly every day this week. I did a pretty good job of sticking to plan, but I had to try a new-to-me treat: sea foam candy. And because it was so ridiculously tasty, I had to try it twice. 

We also had our holiday party for book club this week, and I had a hard time saying no to everything that was prepared; but, I have to say that I limited myself more than I would have at this time last year (or even last month). One of the gifts I received from my Secret Santa was homemade Irish Cream; naturally, I "had" to have some of that this weekend.

There were a couple of other times I felt a bit derailed this week. We had conferences on Tuesday night, which means I was gone from home for 14+ hours. While I brought food with me, we also had delicious dinner catered in, and I opted for chicken and wild rice soup and a pretzel bun. Again, I did a better job than I did at fall conferences (in that I had one serving-size helping, no chips, etc.), but I could have just eaten what was in my lunch box. 

Then tonight, Jesus said he was taking care of dinner; I am typically the chef of the house, so I jumped at the opportunity to not cook. While it was absolutely delicious, it was also approximately 1,000,000 points: cheese ravioli with pesto sauce and chicken, ciabatta roll, and a salad mix (maple-bacon-bourbon).

So, tomorrow morning will be interesting.

On a totally different note, I'm trying something different regarding my goals. No, my goals haven't changed (after all, it's only been a couple of weeks). But, the way I'm tracking my goals is changing.

I got this idea on a coffee date with my MN BFF, Laurie. She showed me her goals and how she's tracking them -- in hopes of hitting a certain number each week. I loved the idea so adapted it to fit my life and my goals.

I am loving this thus far. Again, it's simply helping me be more mindful. I have found that while I have more energy than I did pre-thyroid meds, I am still dragging a bit when I get home from work. (After all, I leave the house at 5:30 in the morning and don't return until 5 p.m. at the earliest, and by the time I make dinner, eat, and clean up, I'm exhausted.) But, I have also used that as kind of a crutch and have spent way too much time vegged out on the couch, watching TV and playing mindless games on my phone.

Writing down different options as to what I could be doing has helped a lot. A few nights this week, I still vegged out for quite a bit in front of the TV, but I a.) limited phone time and/or b.) turned it off early to go upstairs and read. And, as a result, I finished Children of Blood and Bone, a hefty young-adult book (and started I'll Be Gone in the Dark).

I am currently wrapping up Day 7, and I'll be able to cross off a few more boxes in that column by the time the night's over: supplements, water, and be creative. :)

While Laurie has a goal of hitting a certain number of habits each week, simply tracking has been beneficial for me thus far. Stay tuned!

"See" you tomorrow!

Week Two

I was not feeling as successful this past week, and honestly, I was nervous for weigh-in day (stay tuned for reasons why).

But, here we are:

This makes a grand total of 8.2 pounds in two weeks, which is a-okay, if I do say so myself.

I do, however, have a caveat with this morning's weigh-in: I typically try to weigh myself a few times, just to be certain the scale is as accurate as possible, isn't fluctuating, etc. I did the same this morning, and I kid you not, the scale was drastically different each time I stepped on it -- like, up to a six-pound difference, despite it being minutes (and no added clothing, no food/drink intake or the opposite, etc.) between weigh-ins. But, considering last Thursday I was 0.2 pounds lighter than what I originally weighed stepping on this morning, I went with that.

As I mentioned, though, I was quite nervous stepping on the scale today. Last week had a lot of meals that were difficult to plan. For instance, as I was driving home from work on Tuesday, Jesus asked if he could take me out to dinner. We rarely go out to dinner, so I jumped at that offer -- and panic-ordered a cheese burger, French fries, and a glass of wine. I pretty much spent my weekly points in one night.

On Thursday, I met Laurie for coffee. As we were leaving, she grabbed Thai food for takeout at the restaurant next door, and I opted to do the same; after the day I had, I just didn't want to cook. I opted for a chicken and vegetable option and only ate half the rice; I entered it as best as I could into my Weight Watchers app, but who knows how accurate I really was. Also, I feel like it was loaded with sodium, and even though I'm drinking water like a fish, it was just too much.

And then this weekend, Katie came to town. On Friday, we went to a burrito joint for dinner, and I had a bowl as well as a small chips and salsa. At the concert, I had two vodka-sodas. Again, I entered as best as I could, but who knows.

On Saturday, we went out for breakfast, had two beers at local breweries, and then ate tacos and chips and guac for dinner. Because none of that was cooked by me, it was tough to track. I did it, but I doubt it's accurate.

But, I am proud of myself for two reasons: first, I did not say screw it and go haywire with food or drinks this weekend. Rather, I imbibed in a reasonable amount of fun things and attempted to track everything, too. Second, I did not feel too guilty and kick myself about a "bad" week. When I have followed specific nutritional plans in the past (Whole30, I'm looking at you), I almost developed a sort of disordered perspective on the whole thing: in fact, I often found myself apologizing for food I was eating. "Yeah, I had oatmeal this morning. I know it's bad, but..." This time around, though, I'm really trying to change not only my habits but also my mindset.

And I think it's going fairly well so far.

Now, though, I need to go chug some more water. I have been guzzling (and peeing) all day, and I am still super thirsty. That's what eating out so much will do to me, I suppose!

Adios!

One Week Down...

...and I am feeling so successful.

I know that this is not necessarily what I should ultimately be focusing on, but I'm pretty stoked:

I have tried several different "diets" (for as much as I hate that word), and Weight Watchers -- despite having the worst name ever -- just makes sense. My mom calls it "Whole30 without the crazy." After all, there are over 200 zero-point foods, meaning I can eat as many apples, carrots, and chicken breasts as I want without having to log a single thing. And, I can* eat whatever the heck I want -- within moderation.

*I hate the word "can" when it comes to nutrition. I can eat whatever the heck I want; I am choosing to eat certain things in order to achieve my goals, however.

And that moderation? It's not restrictive. For instance, I ate oatmeal with chocolate chips every morning last week. I also had popcorn and wine a couple of nights. And Saturday was far from a "compliant" day, as I had two dark beers, potato pancakes, schnitzel, chorizo, fry bread, etc. -- it was a day of cultural festivities. While I had no idea how to track most of that, I tried the best that I could.

But y'all, it didn't even matter: I still had 36 points remaining at the end of the week.

This is more than manageable -- and it is absolutely sustainable.

I will say that I have had a bit of a headache all week and have been a bit more tired than usual. (On Friday, we didn't have school, and I was knocked out the majority of the day.) I have been drinking water like it's going out of style, so it's not a dehydration headache. I've also been drinking coffee each morning, so it's not due to a lack of caffeine. I'm not sure what the reason is, but it's been pretty annoying.

Also, I will add that there have been times I've been a bit hungry. My mom mentioned this initially, but it feels like Weight Watchers is still kind of on the "low-fat" bandwagon. Fatty foods tend to "cost" more points, which makes me hesitant to eat them. I think I'm going to start adding some in, such as one Chobani Flip (8-ish points) per day.

As far as my other goals go, I'm pretty much smashing it:

Workout: I got my five workouts in -- Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.

Drug/Supplement Regime: I'm seven for seven!

Water: I have gone above and beyond in this category. Aside from the few alcoholic beverages and daily coffee I mentioned, I only drank water last week. And I drank a ton of it.

Steps: I did not do so hot in this regard. I was between 5,000 and 7,000 each day, and this was even with adding steps at work. (Like, I would go from my classroom to the bathroom and back, and then I would go from my classroom to the water fountain and back -- rather than crossing all of those off in one fell swoop.) I just don't think 8,000 steps a day is feasible right now, but I'm going to continue walking as much as I can. And, perhaps even more importantly, I'm going to intentionally stand more at work. Instead of sitting at my desk during my planning period or while students are working, I'm going to try and work at a standing desk more often.

I'm feeling really good, really strong, really healthy, really motivated. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me.

Goals

I know that I have written endlessly about goals in the past, and while sometimes those game plans fall by the wayside, I am often more apt to stick to them when I call them out and, more specifically, when I write about them.

So, that's what I'm doing now.

But first, I have some super exciting news!

On August 15, 2018, my best friend, my partner, my boo, asked me to marry him.

We are over-the-moon excited. We are so happy, so in love, and so loved. Also, I just want to marry him tomorrow; just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Photo by Nicki Lynn Photography

A week after we were engaged, I "said yes to the dress." I tried on two of them and knew almost immediately that the second one was the one for me. It is beautiful, and I am going to feel even more stunning in it when I feel just a smidge better about myself on the daily.

So, I have a plan.

1. I am going to continue my workout plan; I am currently exercising five days a week, and that's going pretty well for me. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, I do Pilates; three of those days are normal reformer classes (with springboard, barre, etc.) sprinkled in, and one of those days is a reformer-based cardio sculpt class. On Thursdays, I workout with an incredible trainer who focuses on High Intensity Strength Training, training to Momentary Muscle Failure. It is so, so hard, but I already feel so, so strong.

2. I am going to continue my newly-adapted drug and supplement regime. About six weeks ago, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I had been feeling so ridiculously exhausted; like, I woke up in the morning and immediately thought of when I would be able to take a nap, I had no desire to do anything other than work or sleep (simply due to lack of energy), etc. I told my friend, who is a physician's assistant, that I was going to see a doctor about anti-depressants, and she encouraged me to ask about a thyroid test. I told her that I'd had one last year, and it came back normal. She read the results and said that I needed a full panel. So, I requested that, and sure enough, the doctor called and said I had low thyroid and needed to start medication.

I noticed a change almost immediately, and it has been wonderful. Sure, there are still days that I'm more tired than normal, but those are typically after a busy day at work, a night of not-so-amazing sleep (which is really quite rare), or a weekend in Paris.

This is during my stretch of 36 hours without sleep.

Clearly, ponytails were my preferred hairstyle on this whirlwind trip.

(How bougie did that sound?!)

In addition to taking my thyroid meds, I started taking some supplements: a probiotic, Vitamin D (which will also help with fatigue), and a pre-natal vitamin. (No, I am not pregnant; yes, I do want amazing hair and nails for the wedding.) I am also drinking a glass of Metamucil every night because, well, fiber is the most magical thing on the planet.

3. I am going to continue drinking alllllllll the water. I am currently drinking a huge glass of water in the morning when I take my thyroid drugs, a bottle of water at/after Pilates, 2-3 glasses of water during the school day (which is challenging, simply because I'm not able to pee whenever the heck I want), one glass of water in the evening, and then a glass with Metamucil before bed. Other than water, the only things I drink are coffee (every day), kombucha (maybe once a week lately), and wine (maybe twice a week). I'm going to try and up the water intake a little bit, just to ensure I'm as hydrated as possible. I notice such a difference in my satiety -- as well as my skin, bloat, etc.

4. I am going to get back to steppin'. I have an on-and-off-again relationship with my Fitbit. I wore it every day for months -- and got 10,000 steps every day for months. And then ankle surgery happened. And then excuses happened. I'm going to shoot for 8,000 steps a day to start, simply since it's getting to be winter, and I don't have a regular gym membership (hence no treadmill access) anymore. Stay tuned.

5. I am going to work on my nutrition. 

I started this post a few weeks ago, and at that point, I wrote about how I was bouncing between nutritional plans, primarily sticking with Whole30/Paleo but wondering about keto and strongly considering macros. Essentially, I mentioned how I did super well at home but then failed miserably when it came to the treats that miraculously appeared in the teachers' lounge.

Since that post was drafted, though, I decided to try something else entirely: Weight Watchers.

I chatted with my mama over Thanksgiving, and she encouraged me to give this a go, as it really helped jumpstart her nutrition-wise. I checked out the Black Friday sales, and I (kind of impulsively) bit the bullet with a six-month membership. I've been messing around on the app and website a little today, and I am officially starting the program tomorrow.

One thing that I think is going to help me stay on track is money. First, I'm spending quite a bit on my workout regime -- Pilates and the trainer -- and I'm now spending money on Weight Watchers, too. Reminding myself that I am doling out those dolla dolla bills so that I can look and feel a certain way -- and then not eating the best that I can (most of the time) -- is effectively a waste of that money.

I am very externally motivated, so that just may work.

And although I'm not going to make this one of my "official" goals (as I really, really, really like multiples of five), I am going to try and blog more regularly. Like I've mentioned before, writing does good things for my spirit -- and is definitely a creative outlet for me -- and I know it'll be pivotal in tracking my progress, holding myself accountable, etc.

Hopefully I'll "see" y'all within the next couple of days. :)

Peace out,

An Active Weekend

This weekend was absolutely wonderful. First, I got some major quality time with my boo, and second, I spent so much time being active.

The weather was absolutely beautiful, which after the winter we had (including a mid-April blizzard), was much appreciated. It was so warm and sunny that it was impossible to not be outside.

On Saturday, I woke up around 8:00 and decided to hit the gym while Jesus was still asleep.

Today was bench day. I started off with a warm-up: 10 reps at 45 pounds followed by 10 reps at 55 pounds. I then started building up: two sets of 5 reps at 65 pounds, two sets of 5 reps at 75 pounds, and three sets of 3 reps at 80 pounds. Pre-injury (and in my lifting heyday), 85 pounds was the maximum amount of weight I could lift without a spot. So, I am pretty darn proud of myself that I was able to lift what I did today. (Had I had a spot, I could've done more weight and more reps, but I wanted to be somewhat conservative.)

Muscle memory must be real. These pecs remembered what to do.

After that workout, I moved on to close-grip bench. While the movement is similar, the grip is way closer (duh) to the middle of the bar, which means that the triceps are really worked; therefore, the amount able to be lifted is much less. But, I lifted pretty much what I did before my lengthy break: five sets of 10 reps at 55 pounds.

Today, my muscles are feeling like they did something yesterday.

After my trek to LA Fitness, I headed down to Harriet Island Regional Park, a beautiful area that borders the Mississippi River about two minutes from our house. It's also my new favorite place to run/walk.

I love the Wabasha Bridge, and the blossoming trees were so beautiful.

Everything is finally green!

In my pre-injury days, I loved running; half marathons were my favorite. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get back into it too much yet. I want to change that, however, so I decided to try Couch to 5K. (While I can run/walk on my own for 30 minutes -- shoot, I used to run for a couple hours at a time -- I thought it might be helpful to have the verbal cues of when to run and when to walk.)

So yesterday, I did the second day of the first week of C25K, and it went super well. I ended up going about two miles.

Shortly after I got home (and inhaled a turkey sandwich), Jesus wanted to head out for some more outdoor fun. We prepped our bikes and hit the trails -- again, down by the river.

I can't even say it without thinking of this sketch.

It was great; we rode across the bluff overlooking the river, and then we headed down a crazy-huge hill by our house. (I was riding the brakes nearly the entire time -- and also dreading the climb back up.) Then we paused a few times in the park to check out the water, the scenery, etc. We even rode down to Raspberry Island, a spot of land smack-dab in the middle of the Mississippi.

Don't worry: my helmet was buckled when we were actually riding.

Then we decided to ride further and headed into Lilydale. When we were a couple miles into that jaunt, I noticed a sound coming from my tire. I thought that maybe something was just stuck in it, so I stopped, bent down, and attempted to remove whatever it was.

Well, nothing was stuck.

Instead, my tire was leaking air.

Ugh.

We stopped, pulled out the extra tube, patches, and bike tools -- and attempted to change this darn tire. Thankfully, cyclists are the nicest people on the planet, and every single person offered to help. After far-too-long, we had the tire replaced (and our kind helper was well on his way), and we were pumping it up.

Unsuccessfully.

We could not get the tire to hold air.

And then it started to rain.

Finally, we basically said screw this, and I started walking my bike home (and likely ruining my clips on the two-mile journey) while Jesus rode up ahead (taking a "short cut" that involved three massive massive hills) to get the car.

Then, my phone died.

So, I was by myself. In the woods. While it was raining. With no phone.

Have I mentioned that I've been obsessed with Criminal Minds and My Favorite Murder? Yeah. Not a good combination.

Eventually, at the bottom of the afore-mentioned hugest hill ever, Jesus (in the car) and I met.

I tried filling up the tire with my foot pump today, and I still couldn't get it to hold air. We took it to the bike shop, and while the tech initially thought I was just super dumb since the shop pump was working, realized that once he put so much air in, it all leaked right back out. Something was wrong with the valve stem, and they are replacing the tube as we speak.

While we didn't get to attempt a longer ride today, I instead went to Pilates and did a kick-butt class this morning. It was a class with one of my favorite instructors, and dang, she made me sweat profusely. All she has to do is verbally cue (or even physically adjust) minor tweaks in my form, and I want to die -- in the best way possible. It was a great stretch, and I know I'm going to be feeling it even more tomorrow.

Getting back in the saddle (quite literally, in fact) has done such wonders for me -- physically, yes, but even more so, emotionally. I am in a much better place than I was even two weeks ago, and I am so thankful for that.

Yay, endorphins!

Peace,

A Return to LA

While I wish this post was about a trip to Los Angeles, it's not; however, I am honestly nearly as excited as I would be about a trip to Cali.

In December 2015, I joined LA Fitness, as it was inexpensive and across the street from my apartment. I loved that place and was quite the gym rat, spending upwards of two hours there each day, skipping happy hour with colleagues to lift weights, making friends with other "regulars." I loved it so much, in fact, that I started working there part-time, simply to spend more time at the gym.

However, I ended up working much more than fit comfortably into my schedule, and I was therefore unable to workout as much as I liked. And, that whole ankle injury was quite a hindrance to my lifting regimen, too.

I stopped working at the gym this winter, and I never reactivated my membership. After all, I had found Pilates, and let's be real: I didn't want to have to pay the initiation fee again. But, I really, really missed lifting -- and I really, really wanted to get back into it.

Long story short, after talking to my former boss last week, I got my membership reinstated (free of charge), and I switched my club to one much closer to my house.

Today, I worked out at the gym for the first time in months.

And it felt incredible.

I started with my favorite -- deadlift. I was going to keep it fairly light (135 pounds), but on my second set, a woman approached and asked if she could alternate with me. That has never happened to me at the gym, and I was all about it. It was really nice having partner of sorts.

I ended up doing three sets of five at 135 pounds, and then we started increasing: one set at 145 pounds, two sets at 155 pounds, and then a set of three at 165 pounds and 175 pounds.

I. Was. Pooped.

And it felt incredible.

Then I moved onto the leg press, where I did two sets of ten at 298 pounds and three sets of ten at 388 pounds. When I stood up to add the plates between sets two and three, my quads definitely let me know that they were being worked. I almost had to take a lengthier break just to get them to stop firing.

But I pushed on.

Finally, I did five sets of ten good mornings with a 30-pound barbell on my shoulders. That is one of my favorite lifts: it feels fairly easy, but it works those hammies and glutes like you wouldn't believe.

Just being in the gym -- lifting, sweating, working hard -- worked wonders for my self-esteem, for my mental health. I already can't wait to go back.

That being said, here's my workout plan for this week:

Monday: Pilates
Tuesday: Deadlift + Leg Press + Good Morning
Wednesday: Pilates
Thursday: Pilates + Walk/Run
Friday: Bench + Close-Grip Bench + Shoulders
Saturday: Squats + Lunges
Sunday: Pilates + Walk/Run

I'm excited to talk more about the walking/running I have planned, but friends, it was a hard day of lifting, and I'm pooped. So, stay tuned. :)

Peace,

A New Beginning

This is not my first blog. Hello, The Swallow Flies. It's not even my second blog. Ms. Bollinger's Global Classroom, I'm looking at you.

But sometimes, a girl just needs a fresh start, a literal blank page.

Last week, I needed a break from life, and I went home -- to Omaha, to my parents. On my drive home, I often get emotional, and I'm not entirely sure why. This trip was no different, and I became teary-eyed many times on my trek.

Life has been hard lately.

This is another "I'm not really quite sure why" situation.

After all, I am in the most wonderful relationship with a man who believes in me, cheers for me, supports me, listens to me cry, deals with my crazy, encourages me, and I could go on and on. As my mom has said, I've sure "kissed a lot of frogs," but I have finally found The One. And we are doing so, so well.

And my family is the absolute best in the universe. My parents are my biggest cheerleaders, and my brother and sister (and their significant others) are some of my greatest friends. And my nephews could not be more amazing. (Plus, let's not forget that I have the best kitties in the universe.)

I am also doing some really cool things professionally: I am traveling to Colombia this summer as part of my Teachers for Global Classrooms fellowship, my partner and I are taking students to Peru next summer, and I was selected as one of two teachers from across the district to serve on the committee that is creating new equity training.

Finally, I found a fitness routine that I can do, that makes me feel good, and in which I excel. And with it, I also found an incredible community of women, people of all ages and walks of life whom I look forward to seeing at every class.

Yet, I just haven't been feeling emotionally wonderful lately. Despite constantly reminding myself of the aforementioned amazingness that is my life, I have been really, really down. Mental health is real, y'all.

There are a number of factors at play in my less-than-stellar psyche.

First, for reasons I will refrain from mentioning in a public blog, work has been challenging lately. Quite honestly, this has been the most difficult year-and-a-half of my professional life. I have always had a very difficult time compartmentalizing work and personal, so the frustrations and stresses that I have at school are carrying over into every facet of my life.

Additionally, I had the most amazing friend group in Iowa, and leaving them was really, really hard. I knew that things would change when I left, but I was unprepared for how much, and that has been a tough pill to swallow.

Finally, my self-esteem has been in the toilet the last year or so. Due to my ankle injury -- and subsequent six months on-and-off in a boot, physical therapy, steroid injections, and surgery -- I have been unable to exercise like I want. My favorite activities -- running and power-lifting -- have been a no-go for the last 18 months, and the lack of fitness has taken a toll on my body. I went from being in the best physical shape of my life to being in the worst. While I truly do not care about the number on the scale, I do care about feeling good in my skin, about feeling good in (and being able to fit into) my clothes. Despite all of the affirmations I receive from those closest to me, my inner thoughts get the best of me, and I just do not feel good right now.

I'm attempting to track macros, thinking that this is the best option for me. I've done a few rounds of Whole 30, and while that was awesome the first go-around (aside from that whole allergy thing), it just isn't a realistic lifestyle for me: I want to be able to eat oatmeal and drink a glass of wine.

I started with Avatar Nutrition two months ago. And while I kicked butt the two weeks prior to spring break, I have not been able to get back on track with 100% compliance. As I was talking it out during my last therapy session walk around the lake with my mom, I came to the conclusion that I need a space to write about my struggles and successes and feel accountability.

I also need that space (this space) -- to just write -- in order to keep my sanity.

I love writing. I loved blogging. And I'm excited to get back to it.

[Side note: As far as mental health goes, I was on drugs in college: Lexapro and Wellbutrin. While I'm pretty sure I could benefit from pharmaceuticals right now, I also hated how I felt on them, so that is not something I'm considering again at this point. I have also seen three therapists in my life: the first I did not care for, the second I loved (and had to leave when I moved from Des Moines), and the third was okay (and really, really essential due to some significant life events). I like therapy, but I want to try a few more things on my own before I go back. And let's be real: I don't like the bill that comes along with therapy; our country needs to revisit how we feel about -- and fund -- mental health.]

I can't promise how often I will blog -- while I thrive on organization and list-making, committing to a blogging schedule will undoubtedly give me unnecessary anxiety, so I am just going to go with the flow and blog when I feel it's necessary.

And, it's highly unlikely that anyone will be reading this initial post for quite a while: in fact, when I told my mom that I was considering blogging again, I also told her that I needed to be in a much better place mentally before I let anyone else in on the hot mess that is my brain. :)

Thanks for following my journey, friends.

Peace,